Am I Crazy For Wanting You?

Um, YES.
ugh. >_< !!!!!!!!! i hate having crushes. its so frustrating. and yet, im only frustrating myself bc i should be patient. Gods like "Becky, are you kidding me? Its been like, 2 weeks." lol I know but are the other chick talks necessary? "yes, bc that means he trusts you enough to talk to you about that." ugh, i guess.. im such a loser.
yeah, i know. don't need to tell me twice.
anyway, more about that later. I passed my Tony Edit project! I'm so relieved, I could cry.
I worked so hard on it! I edited on days I didn't even have school! I DESERVE IT! yeah! hard work pays off.. which should be motivation to do better in Jazz History. Failed that midterm. Considering I didn't buy the book tho, and didn't study much, I didn't do bad. He says I can do an extra paper and he'll completely ignore that. So thats fine. And my stats test? HA! Lets not even talk about that crap. Thankfully he drops the lowest grade. God can't make it any easier for me so I refuse to fail the next test.
Lets see, Alex liked his gift. I got him a DC belt buckle, a black and white checkered belt, which I fabric colored the white parts green (came out awesome) and a HUGE DC decal for his car. He put it on his car, & it looks AWESOME. and I walked into work yesterday and he just lifts his shirt and I saw the belt and he looked all excited lol
>_<>considering its 130am, thats gonna be a little hard lol)
7: JCRU!! (mad excited)
sleepover@MSU

11|1:
8-4: work (again..lol)
7: ANBERLIN IN PA!!!!!
I'm sooo excited for Anberlin, they're soooooooooooooo good. :)

Yay. and Sunday, work from 10-5 then I'm doing homework. FUN FUN. And I actually have to do it, haha. I need to stop being LAZY with that. Sheesh..

so I leave you with lyrics on whats going on with me...

Come closer now
I know your desire is to be desired
Steal a kiss yet and call us friends
Distance is the thief in which you conspire

Turn and time and time will tell
Time will tell or tear us apart

<3

Am I crazy for wanting you?
can't help but entertain these thoughts of us together

let the past be past
let's start today
letters won't do
i need to see your face
tell me where to meet
i'll tell you why we should be<3

My Weekend Was Incredible

& indescribable.
I met Relient K.. and got to play Frisbee with Matthew Thiessen.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm still in shock and its Wednesday.

Check out the pictures.








*dies*
I love Relient K.

Sometimes it seems
Like all I ever do
Is ask for things
Until I ask too much of you
But that's not the way I wanna live
I need to change
But something's got to give

Stressed.

And not even that much. I mean, I am but..things make it better.
things such as:

• music
• God
• friends
• my dog, Miley
• dancing

This class makes me want to cry. I mean, I shouldnt be complaining. Im going to college, right? Okay, I can understand that. But, I hate having to spend time at a school I don't like. I mean, free time. This class requires you to spend 3-4 hours at a editing station going, "WHAT THE !@#$" Its unfair and yet I feel like I shouldn't be complaining. So I guess thats my cue to stop.
Today was kindof long, still feels like it. I have a test in Marketing tomorrow. Its open book. I want to gather my notes but I'm so tired. And I have to wake up early to shower and do my hair, since Im working tonight with Alex. And since I always look like crap at work, I wanna prove that I can look okay sometimes. lol :P

I hope my daygoes smooth tomorrow. I'm going to try to edit and make it perfect so I can be done with this stupid thing. I got 2 out of 10 edits wrong, which means I got 8 right, which is pretty damn good!! but no, I have to fix it. It has to be perfect. So I pray that I can do that tomorrow and get it over with. Not have to deal with it until Tuesday.

I'm attending Campus Crusade for Christ tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. :] Thats gonna make my day ROCK! compared to the crappy Tuesday I had.

Lord,
I'm sorry I'm crabby. Help me to be in a better mood. Help me to stop being so negative. I love you for letting me think this way and not letting me drown in my selfishness. Let it always be all about you. I LOVE YOU!!!! You keep me grounded :)
Love,
Me

Thank you God
For giving me the insight
So I might make
These wrongs right
If and when
There ever is a next time
Cuz failure is a blessing in disguise

So Many Concerts, So Little Time

Sorry that its been forever since I've updated. I haven't been on a real computer in a long time. Thats what sidekicks+laziness equal. lol :]]

So JH declined the Relient K show. Thats fine. Im going with Alex. Michelle was gonna come with me but she cant. Im super excited. and then on Sunday, I'm attending New York Harvest and it's funny because Relient K's gonna be there too haha :D I'm so souped for this weekend. And Radiate's becoming CLOSER!!!! Yay. :]

So my manager is really cool. He's my age, turning 21 next week. He's very easy to get along with. Work is becoming more fun. :D

This weekend, I ended up in Wyckoff, NJ. Its a very nice place, with awesome bagels. ;] My friends came home for Columbus Day Weekend and on Friday, we went to dinner and a movie. It was definitely fun catching up. I miss my girlies<3

So I called MSU today and I was like "um WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING!?" I've been calling and emailing my advisor like crazy and she does NOT like to answer the phone. I was getting really frustrated. but this guy picked up and I think he said everything was taken care of. I was in the caf and couldnt hear so I'm going to follow up tomorrow, just in case. I can't wait to dorm. I'm terrified/excited. AHH COLLEGE :] lol

Hm, JCRU is having a costume party thing and idk what I want to be. I was going to be Nick Jonas but I got reprimanded by my friends that thats creepy haha :P So I have no idea what/who I'm going to be. Ideas?

I have a test in Sound Production today. My dreaded class with my douche-y professor. I hope he likes my work. I worked for 3 hours on it. He better like it!! haha After today, my week gets easier. Tomorrow, I only have 2 1 hour classes. Then I'm going to Campus Crusade for an hour and a few, then a chill day at work from 6 - 11. Then Thursday, I have one class and then I close 4 - 11 with CARLOS! he's fun. lol and I offered to take Friday for Alex, unless he wants to close and then I'll probably end up closing anyway, at the bookfloor. Then Saturday, is RELIENT K!!!! And Sunday is HARVEST 08!!!!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I lo00ooove concerts, they make me so happy :D and Dani just said she'd go see Anberlin with me. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my friend Jackie, taught me this dance from this band called Honor Society. its so much fun to do! haha click here to watch the video and learn. The dance is called the Honor Roll. the song is catchy as well.

Okay, I'm done I guess lol BYEEE!!

No one told me
How bad I need You
But I somehow arrived
To that conclusion all by myself
And I want
All You have to offer
So I offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else

<3>

sleepy.

haven't been by a computer at all, so haven't had time to update. sit tight.

need a desperate nap. :| <3

God is too amazing for life.

I will post tomorrow

on how awesomely amazing my day went !!!!!!!!!

xD

my legs hurt so Im gonna lay down and watch Friends.


GOD ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"and i'm still waiting for things to change
i lay my life before you, and i'm not getting up
Father, how i adore you
those words are not enough
Father, know i love you, and know i am wrong
Lord, please take my life
make me your son"

ohh, and NO CLASS TOMORROW!!!

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

Tomorrow I edit for 3 hours. Lets hope I get this down pack!


Schedule:
10|08:
10:stats
11:marketing
12-3:edit
4-CL: work

TEXT ME AND KEEP ME ALIVE!!!<33

" No one told me
How bad I need you
But I somehow arrived
To that conclusion all by myself
And I want all you have to offer
So I offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else"

I love you Lord<3

I wonder...

what the heck made my teacher so douche-y. I can barely stand rude people but this guy, I'm sure he can be a nice guy but MAN, he's a jerk. He doesn't care about ANYTHING you have to say. What student ruined it for the rest of us? What finally drove him over the edge? I have a classmate who took this class maybe 15-20 years ago? and she said he wasn't this douche-y back then. So it really makes me wonder who did what to make him all, "EFF THIS!!" Another classmate, who had him last semester but failed, told me all these horrible things that he said to her and how she complained. She said he doesn't say that much to your face bc the dean has yelled at him before. WELL, DUH! Then don't be a jerk! I'm positively terrified of him. Its a hard class for "intro". He's making us do all these reels and edit them, and on our own time. So I have to book time to do this shiz. and I was told I won't use this in my future. I was like, "great." I was hyperventalating, basically crying, bc I wasn't able to do my homework and edit my reel. Last week, he didnt check. Of course not. But THIS WEEK, of course. And alot of students didn't show up, probably because they didn't edit theirs either. So I booked 3 hours tomorrow so I can do my old homework and the new one. UGH. I hope it comes out good, I'll be breathing better when thats over. I also have a stupid quiz next week. Great. RAWR.
Anyway, my other classes are okay. I love Marketing, because I'm actually learning something. >_< Vin should take a teaching lesson from Ms. W. Jeez..

So you know how I always say, "I wish I could repeat high school?" I lied, bc repeating that would mean having to take this guy over and I would never do that, ever. lol =P

" Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong."

I was reading through my olddd emails

Now, these emails are from 2006-2007. They were between me and this kid named Mikey. I barely remember sending them but I do remember me and him were extremely close. he knew my [ex] friend Jackie from Memorial and he knew my ex-boyfriend too. We started talking online and we were so compatible. He was a year younger than me and a skateboarder. He was hyper like me and was super nice. Some of these emails are like "AHH I MISS U CANT WAIT TO TALK TO YOU AHH" and it felt nice to read that someone would want to talk to me like that. lol i mean, a boy. lol i wonder how he's doing. last email was dated May of 2007 and it didnt "sound" like him in the sense that he wasnt hyper in his emails. I knew that something had to be wrong and there was but we never got around to talk about it. I emailed him today and I doubt he'll email me back. I mean its a year and a half later, right? but who knows? I wonder how he's doing. I want to know if he's happier now. If he's in college. He should be 19 right now. Hm, weird, huh? I felt like I was reading emails between two different people and I had to keep reminding myself that I had written those. I don't remember writing them though! and one of them that i wrote had a dream i definitely don't remember having. so weird o_O

Anyway, I want to go see Relient K!!!!!! I might go, next Saturday. I asked JH but its doubtful he'll go. *shrug* We'll see. Their new CD is good! :]]]

"I'll Go Back To Before We Met
Can I Erase The Past
Try Harder To Forget
CuzNothing Will Ever Be As Good As Here And Now
Cuz When I Looked Into Your Eyes
And You Dared To Stare Right Back
You Should've Said "Nice To Meet You, I'm Your Other Half""

Weirdest Dream Last Night

It made me wake up feeling weird. Then again, it was a weird dream, right?
I had a dream I was going to Spain, with my aunt, uncle and cousins. and JH was there, with like two or three girls. So we're about to go into the airport and I get held back because I found something on the floor, i think? Then we lost JH and the girls and we were texting him and nothing. I decided I hated my glasses. WHY I wore them, I have no idea; I RARELY wear my glasses outside. So I went to the bathroom and changed into my contacts. But then I lost my contacts in my eyes and I somehow ended up wearing my glasses again? But then I found my contacts. I have no idea, it was really weird. Then I went to call Jackie to tell her I was going to Spain, bc thats where the Jonas Brothers were before. And in the end, we didn't end up finding JH, which made me sad. I don't know, it was a weird dream and I woke up feeling awkward. ._.

I don't know what to say about him. I feel like we'd be awesome together, yet I'm so intimidated by him, because he's so good looking, so awesomely christian (which is a good thing), like I feel he's so much better than me. and I think I'm an awesome girl and great girlfriend material. but IDK. Its stupid. I shouldn't feel this way. He's an awesome guy and I'm an awesome girl so whats the problem? I want to get to know him better. But how? I don't want to seem obvious. I know that before, I seemed WAY too obvious. I need to cut that out. Maybe I can tell him, "well, you know, when I met you, I had the BIGGEST crush on you, which is why I acted goofy sometimes." and he'd say "you didnt act goofy haha" lol ugh. Lord, help me!! I've been asking about my solution about him for a long time. Please give me an answer :(

I'm doing awesome. Last night, I read Matthew Chapters 1 + 2. I know it wasnt long but I was really sleepy. After I read them, I wrote in my log. Im going to do this, and not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. I want to know what God is telling me to do. I want to follow His plans. Im excited :)

Today, one class was canceled and I'm skipping another. I hope the last class won't be as bad as last week. It'll be a great week and an even greater weekend. I can feel it. Lord, help me to change for the better. Make me stronger. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!! :)

" I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been."

-*-Edit-*-

Holy CRAP. Its FREEZING here. I have on a long sleeve, a tshirt and a hoodie and I'm still shivering. and poor Miley is all wrapped under my comforter. Oh man, winters coming -_- :(
AND we don't control the heat lol Oh well.

October 6th, 2008

So last night really touched me. And I'm so glad it happened. My friends and I love the Jonas Brothers. and for a while now, I was feeling really crappy. Why? I don't know. But I was missing something. I was cursing (when I was mad) and I was upset with anything stupid little thing. It was extremely frustrating, being frustrated with every thing. I know how stupid that sounds but whatever. So anyway, my friend Jackie IMs me and says "JoBros are going to be on Extreme Makeover:House Edition" and I said, "really!?" so I turned it on. and from the moment it came on to the moment it was off, I could not stop crying. You know that that show always makes you cry, no matter what. and I never watch this show. but it got to me bad. and thank God it did because it opened my eyes. The little girls talked about how theyre always happy, even though they have to have everything done for them. and that everyone should always look on the bright side. and it mad me evaluate myself. I looked at myself and said, "wait, YOU have legs. YOU have a home and a JOB. YOU can DO THINGS YOURSELF and yet here YOU are COMPLAINING. what is WRONG with you?!" Like I said, I could not stop crying. And I realized how I wasn't leaning on God as much as I should have been, maybe not even at all. My priorities were ALL wrong. Now I;m on the right track, Im not saying I'm perfect because BELIEVE ME, i am far from it. But I;m on the right track. I deleted songs off of my itunes that i recently added with curse words, I started listening to good Christian Rock again, not ashamed of myself. Because last night, I asked God to come back into my heart and forgive my sins, for real. And He did. and it felt absolutely incredible. I missed this. This is me. This is how I belong, with God right by my side, guiding me through life.

"When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you"

Lord,
thank you for coming back into my heart. and I'm sorry it took me so long to change. I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again. Lead me into whatever it is you want me to do, my life is in your hands.
Love,
Your Daughter